A little hurt and a lot of heartbreak...

When something devastating happens to a friend of yours you feel for them. When something happens to a family member it hurts a little. But when something happens to your best friend, lover, and companion in life, it hurts your heart as much as it hurts theirs! The thing is they don't realize the pain you feel as well, and for them! They hurt so bad and are so broken they only see their pain, and it's more than understandable! They see you being fine, they see you comforting them like nothing happened to you and it's not a big deal to you, and it doesn't hurt you! But what they don't see an dont realize is that your fighting every ounce of yourself to keep it together and be strong for them! How are they supposed to comfort you when they are hurting just as bad if not more! They can't! It's their pain, it's their devastation, however they may feel that you feel, they will only understand their pain! Bless the hearts lord of all those hurt today, and punished for being nothing less than perfect! The love of my life has been nothing less than a perfect father, an amazing friend, and a wonderful lover. Those that don't deserve bad things, bad things happen to! As unjust as it is, it happens. In the end tho, all will work out! If only we could see that now! If only he understood that I feel pain too. If only he knew that I understand more than he realizes, and that I'm Doing all I can to keep him as comfortable as possible cuz happy isn't possible, ok and fine isn't possible, comfortable is all i can do for him, because contrary to popular belief I may not quite feel the pain he does but I can comprehend it and I do understand that nothing can make him feel better so all I can do is what he asks. I know he says if I have to ask for it it doesn't mean as much, but sometimes when going through something this painful affection isn't what is wanted, nor is being alone. There are mixed emotions, helplessness, pain, depression, fatigue, confusion, nostalgia, and strength it takes to fight back all the tears! I may look fine, I may look ok, on the contrary I'm hurt, I'm lost, I'm even more lost in trying to find what it just right for you my love, when knowing all that will make this better, the only thing that will make this better is the very thing that was taken from you today! Lord help heal our hearts, and may I say thank you for the strength you give to me and as it may seem like alot to ask, may I continue to receive strength, I know lord it comes from you because it sure doesn't come from me, what I want is to break down and cry, but I will forever remain strong for I need to be here for my love, heart, and soul! Baby I love you, and I love our daughters more than you'll ever know. I'm hurting too, but I will always hide my pain if to help you get through yours. I love you and I'm always here! You are a wonderful man, the best father, and an amazing companion to have in life! For all that you have done for me, and all that you have been there for me, I will return every bit of it, i can only hope that I can do it as well, however I will put forth everything I have to be as wonderful for you as you have for me! 

Ya know... Maybe it is me.?!?! Idk why I can't seem to do what I'm supposed to, I don't like hearing that I'm wrong all the time, so why don't I do the right thing? Or do what I'm supposed to, instead of being called an idiot all the fucking time? I hate being belittled, and hate being talked Down to, but I also have opinions and feelings and thoughts. I'm sick of being told that they're wrong. If there is fact behind what I'm wrong about then why do I not know it? Am I really that stupid? Ignorant? A moron? An imbecile? Or is it that I'm just lazy, or tired, or have given up? Why don't I try as hard as I used to to prove people wrong? Why don't I try harder, where's my drive? Or am in just in another common abusive relationship where this time it's just emotional terrorism instead of physical abuse??? This and all of the above I'm just unsure of. I don't understand the world and people. I don't understand how there can be such good and such evil and both installed in everyone!?!? I don't understand why some learn fast and some learn slow. Some get it and some don't. Why some think they are better than everyone else and some think they just aren't worth it! I am lost! Beyond all comprehension of what the fuck is going on in the world, or with me???