July 28th 2012

Five years ago today me and chris made a decision that would change our lives forever.

 October 13th, was the first time we got back together, Little did we know that it would be the first but not last of our many bumps in the road. From growing up into adults together, struggling distance, battling cancer and distance for military, living on our own and trying to figure out who we are as individuals, having a child and accepting that lifestyle change, to being parents and lovers too, we have been thought cheating and wars over who's done worse, trying to not be together and saving a friendship, this love has gone through a lot and without a doubt will go through more, but even on our worst days and our moodiest times and our way opposite points of view on things, it's those struggles that keep it interesting, and it's our compassion for one another and love that keep pushing us over that mountain/hill/road block/bump in the road. So that on the other side we still have eachother. So thank you love and thank you heart for picking him!!!!! There is no one else on this earth that I would rather ride this rollercoaster, we call life, with than my love, my life, Christopher Luis Contreras! And the beautiful son he gave me Landon Anthony Contreras <3    

Its the ups and downs that keep a relationship alive. Knowing that you still WANT and care enough to fight for that person, and fight for the relationship. 

How wrong was I???? 
He didnt want to fight. He wanted me to change and for him to stay the new guy he was. He would never give up someone who "is just a friend and i dont even talk to her that much" even if it meant losing me and his son. 
I did alot of things to keep him happy and tried very hard to do things i didnt even like because it made him happy. But all he wanted from me was to sit there shut up and not have any feelings, thoughts, or concerns. He never wanted to do anything that made me happy. From going to the movies, or going on a date, to not talking to someone or at least share the convo he had with that person because of his indiscretions, to just eating me the fuck out! My pussy doesnt smell or taste bad, ive tried it... (thats kinda dirty, but kinky too ;) lol    But come on! Do something for someone other than yourself. He would spend $300 on a ps3 but couldnt spend a portion of that even taking me out to eat, or to a movie, or on a freakin date.  Ugh sometimes I just miss him so much, and want him back in so many ways, but our relationship as a whole, i just think so many things would have to change, and we would have to BUILD the trust before it just came back in. Unlike last time, he disclosed all his indiscretions and after that he just assumed i should trust him and be happy and healthy. 
Its like when your parents catch you sneaking out, your mom will sleep on the couch for a while and lock your windows or put up a camera until the realized you really arent going to do it again. When trust is broken it needs to be built and replaced.... And chris just assumed he was off the hook because he told the truth one time! NO! Life doesnt work that way. You arent in a fairy tale and things arent just going to poof and be perfect again. But i do miss him, i miss wrapping my arms around my big teddy bear, i miss his smile, i miss his smell. I miss him telling me he loves me, and i miss making love with him. And i miss my fucking friend. Someone who i could cry to when i was hurt, laugh with when i was happy and share moments with that mean everything in the world and i want to share them with him, not someone else. Moments with our son that we cant get back, i want to be shared with him not my future boyfriend  for the time. And i want to fall back in love, but i doubt after all that chris gave me in the beginning ill ever be able to fall in love with someone again, because that guy, set the bar way too fucking high! 
I miss him! I miss him telling me how much he loved me, how amazing he felt being with me, i miss him telling me he wasnt even jus a boyfriend and he coudlnt wait to make me Mrs. Christopher Contreras. I miss him telling me how beautiful i was. I miss him telling me that if you want to change your hair or look go for it but you are absolutely perfect the way you are!   Now he tells me things like, you should wear things like that, you should do your hair like this girl, and id give anything to be dating a girl that looked like that (pointing at some wwe superstar) Well i dont have a plastic surgeon, and even if i did look like that, i wouldnt be with a guy that looks like you!   ugh im sick to my stomach now. callin it quits for now, stay tuned for my next rant on how it just didnt fucking work! and why. 

There are so many things I wish I could say to you. There are so many things I had hoped for and still wanted out of this. It wasn't supposed to end, and especially not that way. But there is also so much I wanted from you, that you were never willing to give me. You were able, just not willing. All i wanted and am worth was to be put first. If family means enough to you to tattoo on your arm, then why wasn't it enough to make you change some of your ways. If i cant even talk during your Monday night show, but you'll drop your show and everything else to go be with her, imagine how you would feel. On top of that if your friends didn't like me at all, or never wanted me around, why would you want them around if you say you love me so much? Most men would want to show off the mother of their child, and want his friends to get to know her and like her, but you wanted us separate. You wanted a separate life of your own that i wasn't in at all, WHY? Thats not love or a relationship. Sometimes when you love something you just want to be surrounded by it, and me wanting to know what you talk to your friends about or the girls about was not me not trusting you, it was me wanting to know you, and be surrounded by you. You always wanted your space and wanted to be away from me with another girl, and all i wanted was to be with you and for you to feel the fucking same. you never did, and that's why i always thought you were giving what I deserved to someone else. because if you weren't giving it to me then who was getting that attention?? 
I still feel like I'm chasing something I'll never catch. I feel like even when I have you I have to compete constantly to keep you. I have to change my looks and be different every week so that you don't lose interest or stray from me to another girl. 
Sometimes I think we are better off as friends, but then I miss you so much, and want you around, and want to confide in you like I always have. Its just that I know what I am worth and when we are together you don't always give me or treat me like all I am worth. I want to be appreciated, loved, and respected. And will be put first! When i get made mad, I will tell you and that's never going to change.  


Things got so bad this time, its almost like if we wanted to try again, we've put everyone and everything in such a bind and in so much crap, its like we are past the point of no return. But you are always going to be my Big and I will always come running back to you because I love you. But you never have and never will love me enough to be the one to come back, or the one to try and fix it. Its always gotta be me begging and feeling like I did something wrong, when sometimes you just need to accept at least HALF of the consequences for your indiscretions then it wouldn't have gotten that ugly. And some things I never got over, because once you got it off your chest it was to never be paid for. I paid for my mistakes months and months later. And you never had to pay for any of your indiscretions, its like once you told the truth it was over, and it wasn't. you should have asked or cared what i needed from you to make it better!!!!!!!!!!!!   
Maybe just maybe we aren't meant to be. But there are so many more days where I think we are than there are days when i think we aren't.   I just wish I could get over you. I wish I could move on, but do I really want to?? I want you. I want to be with you, but I want to be with the YOU I fell in love with! Not this man that has a twisted perspective on what a relationship is. Part of being in a relationship is not acting single when she is or isn't around. Its about making sure that everyone knows you are with her, and that you are happy and not easily strayed. You aren't that guy anymore. Even if you were, its not like you love or care about me enough anymore to find that guy. I can only be that girl you fell in love with if you are that guy. Without that guy, I will never know that girl again! Because she had something that I don't/haven't had in a long time, HIM! 

I see you on my cellphone screen, your pics they make it hard to breath, something about your everything, it keeps on driving me wild, i read your texts all day all night, whats your intentions? Lets drive away into the sun, take my hand ill make you cum.... a little closer. ill wrap my lips around your....... Lay on my bed, and beg for, this poison. Please stop teasing every inch of me, this night i spend with you, god dont let it end.  Next time ill make your body scream, those things you said to me, they make it hard to breath. I see it in your eyes, the trouble on your lips, let you kiss between my... the way that i taste, the poison on my hips, now we'll never get away...   Maybe holding hands wasn't such a good idea!     (changed up, but still stolen words... so thanx Modern Day Escape for the words=) 

I thought I would hurt more

I am not saying that I did not love him, I did. 
I cared about him a lot. I gave him everything I had and then some crazy lol. 
He moved out about a week ago, maybe more maybe less. I cant describe the feeling that I felt living alone the first day. The first night was beyond lonely and awkward, I missed him that night, but when I woke up that next morning and I didn't have to be quiet because grumpy grizzly was sleeping, and I could sing badly and dance in my underwear, and be loud with my son, it was amazing. It was a liberating feeling to be on my own. Knowing that even though I cannot pay my bills alone right now, that I wasn't living off him, and being taken care of by someone who didn't love me. Who held money over my head, and made me feel terrible about everything I wanted and sometimes things I needed. 
All I needed was to be me. Take care of my son, and live alone and stand on my own two feet. Well I am doing it =D 
I have lots of friends that are very supportive. My sister who is going through a tough time as well and the word divorce was thrown around, and her kids were taken from her, not because she is a bad mother at all, only because she just didn't have what it takes to be super mom. Work nights, and stay up with her kids through the day and never sleep. She moved in with me little after Chris left, and we are having  a blast. Well not really we will prob still struggle. She is a hard worker though, and I will get a job soon, I am cleaning some houses here and there and make some money. But not enough to pay bills. I will get there. And Nine months from June 25th I will be standing on my own two feet for real, and making my own money, and lots of it too. 
I WILL NOT need a man, however, if there is someone wanting to be with me and i am feeling the same way then I will make room in my life for him. 
In the mean time, I am just gonna do my own thing, and do what feels right in the moment. Cant go wrong with that, right?  

What does it all mean?

I just don't know what this man wants. He is so sweet when he comes home at night from work, and IDK how many times we have had sex since we broke up but it seems like every night. Yesterday, we went up to his work and he bought us dinner, told me one of his co-workers gave him props for me. He asked if i was chris' girl, and Chris said, "well, kinda." 
I don't think he even knows what he wants, I think he wants to be single and do what he wants when he wants, but I think he wants me at the same time. He doesn't want anything to change. He told me yesterday, when i was sharing my fear of not having anywhere to live, he hugged me and said that i will always have a place to stay. I know that he is stressed to, and for him to be kind like that it was really sweet. 
Part of me likes this better, but i don't like not being able to hug, kiss, cuddle, and have the right... The other night when i asked where he was i wasn't trying to sound like the girlfriend but it came out that way because i was worried about him. 
He didn't seem to mind it either. How come i trust him more when we aren't together than when we are together? Maybe its that i don't have the right to question, so i don't. But i am confident too... Why cant i be this person when i am with him vs trying to get him back... 
I feel like he is over what happened, but I don't understand why he isn't ready to be together. I FEEL like its what he wants, but then again, i don't know what the hell he wants. Its not like we have talked about things, we don't want to ruin what we are doing now, getting along, having sex, doin' our own thing, and at night is our time.... Maybe that's it? He doesn't want to ruin how good things are right now, but i want more than a roommate with benefits! I want a boyfriend, a baby daddy, and someone who i know will always be there, and i don't know that with him, I don't know that he is always going to be there, he may be talking to someone and starting something and one day out of the blue he is just going to leave and go be there for her.  this drives me fucking crazy, not knowing what the future holds, meanwhile, like last time, I am only sleeping with him, only wanting to be with him, and only paying attention to him... wonder if he is doing the same? 
I just want to know where we are headed?  What the goal is. and weather he even wants to be with me at all... 

Busy busy Mama

The past few days have been so busy. Sunday was mothers day, me and Chris fought for like ten min. I never heard him say happy mothers day, and he swears he said it twice. OK. So i was mad at him for saying it to all those mothers that aren't his, or aren't his sons mother first or only. I still never HEARD him say it or got to respond. Even Adam did something for Amanda and they are waiting for their divorce papers, they don't even like each other. But go figure I am stuck with the guy who together or not wont do anything for special occasions. Out of five years we have celebrated two V-days and one of two B-days. If his next girlfriend gets the shit that i didn't. and gets the man that i didn't! Then he can have a kid, and do all of this over again with her. But if he said he loved me all this time, why wouldn't he do things that other MEN do for their girls. JS 


On another note. I went to my sisters house that day to eat and sit around and watch everyone be lazy, not the day i was hoping for. The only two mothers days I have had have been terrible if even there. 
Mom appreciation day my ASS! I am the only one out of my mom sister and me that actually takes care of a child full time and still lead a healthy life. My moms kids are grown. My sister works nights and sleeps days and lefts a finger or two when her kids need help. I use both hands all the time for my son and i bend over backwards for him so that no one else has to do anything for my son. Alyssa his god mother is amazing and she takes him every once in a while over night. And i think in 16 months my mom has taken care of him like three times. Vs. Mandy's kids she sees all the time or maybe even every other weekend. And Chris isn't much of a baby doer. I can see him doing a lot after potty training, and toddler twos, but for right now and from birth it has been all ME! All I'm sayin is a little appreciation for being the mother I am would have been nice. 
Well what counts that day was my son, the most amazing person in the world to me, was sweet as a button most of the day and made it a wonderful day just because i am his mother, like every day!


Monday, Mandy wanted me to go out to her house, and help her do her hair. she gave me gas for it so i went. We didn't even do hair. She sat around while my son kept hers entertained. With those boys they don't give you any attention. they just play. they need to be watched and helped but they are pretty self sufficient when they are together. So she got a relaxing day as did i but i wanted to clean my house that day and had some other stuff to do. But Monday night I went to karaoke with her, and took my boo. It was kind of fun. I only sang one song. But the DJ cute as hell loves my son, it was so cute. Then it started to lightning, and i decided it would be best to get home before the storm hit. As i said good-bye and was walking out the door, the rain hit. got wet loading the stroller and then it hit hard as i was on my way home, i was better off just staying. When i made it home, me and my son sat in the car for 25 min waiting for it to slow down. it didn't and he wanted out. so i grabbed him and ran. got soaked. dropped my phone, and i was shivering. Unfortunately for me, i still had one more trip to make to the car. oh goo' ness. We dried off, as i was changing a diaper, the power flickered off a few times, leaving me to just feel for the diaper changing, good thing it wasn't a dirty ha ha. 
We finally got all dry and cuddled up in the bed and fell asleep. Chris stayed out late that night, i woke up at like three something, and he wasn't here, so i called him a few times, he "fell asleep at a friends house". Either way, he made it back safe even tho the weather was crazy. 
So needless to say again, but, its been busy the past few days. And I got more ahead. Trips to the SS office, TWC, Texas health and human services, and the school. I might have to start June 25th and not may 21st. We will see. 

8 months :( didn't quite make it

Yesterday would have been eight months back together. Technically we have five years under our belts. So needless to say I was torn yesterday. He worked yesterday closing the store. Brought food home :) it was sweet. We smoked and watched a show he wanted to start together. It was pretty funny. Until this one chick on the show said "you're that creepy couple that breaks up and still lives together huh?" to the ppl on the show. Doesn't that put salt into an open wound? My friend rachel has been over twice when chris is home, she said we seem fine and like we're not even apart. Sometimes it can feel like that among the playfulness, generally okness, and our ability to be around one another without it being awkward like most exs.
I personally don't think we should be broken up, we are meant to be together, and it's not comfort that keeps me here. Rachel asked me "ya but don't you ever wonder what it's like to be with another man? I mean now is your chance." without hesitation I answered no! No I don't want to know what another man feels like smells like or is like. Chris is enough and all I need. Maybe that's why I get so heartbroken when I see him moving on or wanting to be with someone else. That's also why we had problems in our relationship and I was uncomfortable and insecure, I wasn't enough for him. He always had to talk to other girls, go "hang out" with other girls, and watch porn and jack off even tho I'm in the next fucking room. I was never enough for him! He always wanted more. Even though, idk who the hell is goin to always suck his dick and get nothing in return, always always always be on top. Always get up with our son, he never has to. Clean and organize his stuff so he never has housework to do, we even have separate bathrooms and I still clean the shit off his toilet.... I'm just sayin. And I even did all of the above when I was working full time!
I always did everything I could to make him happy, but the one thing I couldn't do was all of that and not care that he doesn't want to do ANYTHING that makes me happy. Not a once in a while movie date, no head, only once in a while TLC and it just felt like I was bending over backwards for him and I still wasn't enough. All I wanted was to be enough for him, and him not to need all that other female attention and interaction with ex girlfriends and ex fucks... That's all I wanted was to be enough, and I wore myself the fuck out emotionally and physically to the point of a mental breakdown. On top of all that I still had to be the perfect mom, daughter, sister and friend... I just broke. Like anything overloaded I crashed!!!
Next time, no matter what man, I want a 50/50 relationship not a 80/20.
That's all I'm saying.

My girl heather u went to see in Austin is supposed to come visit today! :) hopefully my girl can help keep my kind off of all this shit, she's always been pretty good at damage control! Gotta love your girls! <3

Just another stupid day

Yesterday was so busy for both of us, that no talking got done. Maybe thats a good thing, but i feel so disconnected from my best friend. I just want him, a hug from him, a kiss from him, HIM. 
But thats not going to happen. I just need to suck it up. 
My dad came by last night to drop off some money for school, go figure chris and my dad would be able to sit in a room by themselves after we break up a million times. I think my dad just stopped caring if we are together or broken up because he knows chris is here to stay weather we are together or not. Landon is what brings all of us together. 


I wish he was still mine. He was texting someone while i was in the room, we were talking and then he picked up his phone to text someone right there. either to make me jealous or because he is talking to his new GF. IDK 
But all i got out of it was a huge knot in my stomach and nothing left to say. Now i dont have the appetite that i had for subway :/ 
Why does it have to be this way? Why did i have to do what i did? and why does he just not care? 
He said he did, when he saw that i was happy. I think he just wanted to make me feel like shit because he doesnt think that i deserve to be happy and i was going to be, so he threw a curve ball and broke that. Now im miserable and the only reason he is, is because im still here. I dont think he gave as big a shit as he said or thought he did. I think he just wanted to get his anger out, and now he's perfectly fine! 
but i cant complain to much, at least he is letting me live here. Thats more than most guys would do. But i dont know if i can just stick around and watch him move on with other girls. Talk about disrespect to the max! I would never start talking to or dating someone while i was living with him even secretly just out of respect for what we did have. 
Any who, i thought about this yesterday, if he has, or does sleep with ANYONE  and think we are getting back together he is out his fucking mind. Im not doing that shit again! You cant just go sleep around whenever you want and expect your ex to take you back becuase she's your settle down girl. Fuck that! I am no ones bitch, rebound, last resort, or put her on the back burner. I hate this, Thinking about what might happen during this breakup that will affect our future. 
I was better off mad and not giving a fuck, than now. Now that he made me feel like shit for him, and suffer through what ive done. When i blamed him being mad was what got me through the day! Now that i am not mad at him, i feel sorry for him, and it gives me no strength. 
Guess ill have to find it within. God give me strength to move on, get through school, and be on my own for good. I just want to be independent and not need or want anyone. I should be able to be happy with just me and my son. 
Goals for the next two years:
Get through school
Get my own place, phone, insurance, car... 
Get settled in my job
Live life with as little chris as i can get. 
1st and always, TAKE CARE OF THIS BEAUTIFUL BOY THAT I HAVE! 

I'm sorry is never enough

Its been raining since last night here. The rain makes me feel like I don't need to cry anymore, because the sky is doing it for me. However, the tears never stop. I wish that "I'm sorry" was enough.  Seemingly its not. I just don't understand at all, why if this is what he wants it hurts so bad for him and me. And we aren't just hurting ourselves, we are hurting our beautiful baby boy. I don't think this is something worth breaking up over. 
We can be happy and most the time we are. I AM the woman he fell in love with, I just like to hide in my shell sometimes and when i do something else takes over. 
I should have just been more open with him, but that probably would have caused us to break up as well. So i was at a loss. I bottled things up, and there was so much at one time. 
Bills, child insurance, food stamps, work, school, family, relationship slightly, and so many other things at once, So when his friend asked whats up, "Chris is cheating on me" is what came out of my mouth. It was a thought wondering around up there, and the only one that came out, and i left out a word and that's what made it a lie. 
I wish that i had just stayed in bed that day and this wouldn't be happening to either of us. 
We fought for two days about how he feels and why he is so mad, and now that he got it out of his system I think he is going to be able to move on. I hope not. 


Also, its been over a week since either of us have had sex (as far as i am concerned, god only knows what he's done when i wasn't around). But if he really hasn't why doesn't he just want to make up and have make up sex, and put this behind us. It took me less than an hour to forgive him, and less than a few months to get over, what he did last summer. Lying to me for months about who he is sleeping with. He made me feel like i was this crazy ex, with all this baby mama drama, and the whole time he should of just been a fucking man and admitted that he was sleeping around. But he knew that i would have stopped having sex with him, and visiting him and bending over backwards for him to see his son. I would have made him get off his ass and come see his son himself.
However that is done and over with, he did what he did, and i had to suffer from these skanks retaliations that he got back with me. I had to listen to them bitch and complain, talk shit about me and my son, and I STILL FUCKING FORGAVE HIM! and stood by him when everyone and their mom told me i was a fucking idiot for giving HIM the second chance.. or third or something like that. Its always different when he is doing the forgiving, i always get punished for months or years or whatever, and he tells me to get over it or don't be with him. 
I guess that's the diff, is that he's not with me, so he doesn't want to let it go. 
Hypocrite. This isn't fair. If this is what he wants I'm OK with that, because he would be happy. But either he's lying when he tells me he's not, or this isn't what he wants or whats best!    
Too bad I'm sorry wasn't enough for him, like it has been for me for years!  

Soo, stupid me.. but

We sat down to eat dinner, today has been going good, and I bring up something that could happen when I move out on my own, and he just mentions that I don't have to live alone, I could get a roommate. So needless to say I don't think he wants to get back together. I hate this. 

I wish that my sorry was enough. I wish that my love and my word was enough. I wish i could really tell him that this time we make up would be the last. But i cant make promises i don't know if i could keep. I wish i could. I don't like the person I've become. Why cant i just trust him. I have for years. And since February 2010 when he broke up with me then i just feel like he's always going to leave. he dumped me again after that while i was prego. He dumped me after my son was three months old. And now. I know sometimes i push him away, but i wish he wasn't so easily scared off. 

I wish that he would just stay. or rather come back. I miss him so much! I just wish i could be with him. 

I think we have so much left in us, and so much more to do together. But if this is what he needs then I understand and well, i want nothing but for him to be happy. 

But he's not happy being apart, so why does he tell me he wants this so bad. Why cant he just let himself be happy too. I am not as bad as he makes me seem. Its not all the time. We can be happy together, we've been doing OK so far today and if we can keep it up then we could stay happy. 

If i could keep my thoughts from running away with themselves and nip it in the bud, and also not let people influence my thoughts then we could be happy again. I just wish things would stay that way. 

There are so many things i wish for. And him leaving is not one of them. 

Him staying and us working this out one last time is what i want. And i want it to be the last time we leave each other. 

I wanted to marry him. But i guess i know now that, that's not in the cards for me. 

And other guys ALL other guys see nothing but baggage and stress when they think about being with a single mom. Some girls get lucky, but not ones like me. 

Fuck it. I just need to get settled in my career and get my own place, new furniture, a new car, and start paying my own cell phone bill and insurance and just focus on Landon and myself. 

Who needs a man. Even if i did start to date, when they fuck up, i am so independent by then that it wont matter. I will have expected it, and it wont hurt as bad, and i can just tell him to get the fuck outta my house!
That's my plan! I'm not saying its going to be easy but its what i have to do. And if Chris does come back in the mean time. Asses the situation and see if its whats best at the time. I need to be strong next time, and not just let him come back when he wants.


 If he cant stand by me at my worst, then he sure as hell doesn't deserve me at my best! 

Maybe baby....

So Saturday I went to Austin to see a close friend of mine. Chris had to work the next morning at ten, so I had to be at home by nine thirty so I could be here with our son. Well I got out to my car and had a flat tire... So needless to say I didnt make it back to San Antonio by 9:30. Chris called into work, and stayed with Landon. When i got back he was going to his best friend's dad's house, so in the mean time I was going to clean all I could and he said when he got back we'd smoke. I was thinking the evening would go smoothly after the day before that when he called and yelled at me for so much, hung up, called again, hung up yada, yada. So when he gets back from visiting his friend, I dont remember what i said, but it sparked a plug and he went off again. I think we had a mild breakthrough because we got through the night, and he let me sleep in the bed. This morning he said he'd see me later, so i said bye.
The day was kind of yucky. All i wanted to do was hug, kiss, and hold him, and make up. That didnt happen. But he did call me about my status and ask why my day was yuk, and he  wanted me to just talk to him. It was brief but he said he missed me before he got off the phone. And after put a status that said "I miss you a lot today...just sayin." 
then texted me and made sure i knew it was about me. It made me feel so good. He even told me that Kandiss texted him and said I miss you too. He didnt have to tell me, but he did and that was a huge deal for me! 
He has been so sweet today. Even in our fight last night he said something that jerked a tear, "Its not that, I love to hear you talk, you have a beautiful voice" OR something like that. those are the things i love to hear him say. Just little random things that make me feel so good about myself, and make me feel like he loves me. 
So today before he got home, i wrote my previous poem, on his mirror in his room.  
He didnt have to much to say about it, asked how long it took me to write it, and said thank you for my apology. he's called me babe a few times, but i dont think it was on purpose I think its just a habit. However, I cannot complain too much. God i just want to be with him tho. I want to have our great make-up sex and maybe move on from this. But I'm sure its still going to take plenty of time for him to be able to forgive or trust me. I guess i should expect it, i hurt him. I dont think its the lie that did it, its the perception he thinks that i have of him. =(    
The days isnt over yet. Maybe we will make up... IDK we shall see. I just miss him so much and i am getting impatient. Who knows if he is ever going to want me back anyways. I know its what he wants becuase he hates this, but he said this is what he needs..... BOOOOO =( 

I love you so very much,
Even thou at times I do things that hurt,
I try so hard to hope that you always see,
How much you being in my life means to me,
I am sorry yet again for causing you pain, 
that is the last thing I ever wanted to do,
Even when I am trying to look out for you and do the right thing 
I mess up, I am sorry for that too.
I hope that you still know how much I love and cherish you,
Like nothing else in my life gives me the trill of being loved by you.
So I hope that you listen and see it in my eyes, 
this sincere apology that comes with tears from deep inside.

Losing a best friend and lover

This is terrible. We can't even talk to each other. We say the necessary hello, goodbye, wanna hit this... yada yada. But we cant have a real conversation. I miss my grizzly so much. I call him grizzly because he can be as mean as a grizzly waken from a slumber, but he can be as sweet as a teddy bear... Now he's just an ice sculpture of a bear. He's so cold. No emotion. Always on his phone, playing video games. He even went in our sons room to watch him, instead of being in the living room while i was cooking. He never goes in there. I don't want it to end this way. I really thought that maybe its just an angry break up and maybe he just needed some space, and to wait and see if i learned my lesson. I did. I did. I haven't eaten in a day, i haven't looked at myself in the mirror since Friday. I am sick to my stomach all the time, i don't have an appetite, or an urge to do anything but talk to him or write on here, or listen to music that relates to my problem. 

I found myself on the couch during the six o'clock news wanting to talk to him, see if this is really it for us, or if he wants to talk things through. I want to know whats going on in his head. But I keep wussing out. I just stand there at the hallway preparing myself to go talk to him and let my heart slow, and then run away. I want my best friend. I want to talk to him, and tell him what I'm going through, and tell him that I'm really stupid and really sorry. That I'm not the person i was that day and he knows that. I want to tell him i love him, and for him to say he does too he's just hurt. And i want to make up, and hold him and kiss him, and make sweet sweet, and a little crazy love to him. 

Tonight he went out with his gay aunt, they went to a gay bar, he's her DD. 

He gets really horny when he's drunk, i hope that he doesn't try to hook up with one of the girls that hang around gay bars. Truth be told I hope he's really with his aunt. he's been known to go out with someone I'm comfortable with and invite someone he knows i wouldn't be able to handle. 

After all the work we've put in, and all the bonds we've built. (or me at least with his family, He hates mine). Our home, our friends, and what about our hearts. 

What is the use of having one if you don't know what its there for. I know he is thinking with his head because he doesn't want to get hurt again, or be lied about, or even have to go through this again. 

I can promise him this will not happen again. I don't know why i did it in the first place... I wasn't even thinking, because if i was i would think, what the hell are you doing, you're about to sabotage the best thing in your life right now. Look at everything you have, look at everything he does for you. He may not be perfect, and he may be shady sometimes, but never even meaning to, he just needs space sometimes and him not working he sees my face all the time, and lets face it, time away from someone even if its just work or a random night out after work, you start to miss the one you love, when they are there ALL THE TIME you start to realize their flaws more because there is nothing else to do. Now that he is working, after just two days i wish he were here. Or when he gets off i want to hug and kiss him, and later that evening when i put our son to bed, i want to get high with him, and suck his dick, and then make love... i still get the get high part, but that's about it. 

I want to sleep in my bed again with him, and i want to cuddle, or play games in the bed when we are just messing around. 

I want so many things, i just don't want this! 

Can he really tell me honestly that things were always that bad? 

I know that lying about someone you love and call your best friend (who is someone you don't lie to) but i didn't lie to him, however lying about them isn't the right thing either. And I hurt, I really do. And i want to know that he hurts, because right now seeing him hurt would show me that he still loves me. I know i don't deserve it, but was i that easy to just give up and throw away? Was i really not worth having in his life at all? All the things we've been through, all the things we've said to one another (not bad, good) and all the times we've made love, this wonderful child that loves us together more than apart, an apartment that we have spend years trying to have a place like this together. and now its going to be ruined. What does a single bachelor need a two bedroom for? and I have to move with my son. 

This is just a whole lot of pain that isn't necessary. And to have to start all over and build all this with another person, and trying to get to know them. 

I don't want to know what another man is like, everyone tells me that Chris is an ass to me and i should find someone else, but so far even tho he may be dick, he's been the most amazing so far. Hands down he wins. I don't want to loose him. I don't want another man, or another life. I want this man, and this life. 

I just want him to want me, and not want to be with anyone else. I know he wishes i looked like a diva or a knockout like in wrestling, i just wish he wasn't so open about it. I want him to be built and strong and ripped. But either way, we wouldn't be the people we are today. I for one thing would be worse, pretty so i get away with doing retarded shit and they stay longer because your that amazing. but i love Chris for who he is, and what he has to offer. I know that he has more to offer than he gives me sometimes, but i know i can get there, and i know he can be that person. 

I just wish he had the same faith in me! That i could be the person he knows i am capable of being, and giving him what he knows i have to offer. 

If trying to life him up when he's down. And rubbing his back and being sympathetic when he's had a rough day. I offer to rub his feet all the time (if he washes them) but he never washes them. even tho i want the sex to be about me sometimes, i still always make sure its what he wants and make sure it feels good because i want him to be happy. All i want is to make him happy, but sometimes i throw in my own opinion and "its because i don't trust him" and i let him know how something makes me feel, and he thinks I'm being a teenager. But even then, that's just telling him how i feel. 

So i bottled it all up, because after the Callie date night, i couldn't tell him how i feel because he'd still do what it is i don't like. I accepted that, so i faked being okay with him going, (bc he would of gone anyways, and rather him leave happy with me, than rush out mad because i didn't want him to go). I wanted to be honest with him, and tell him about  my dreams but i was terrified, and that is no excuse for what i did at all, i think it might just help explain why i did it. I had all these thoughts, nightmares, and concerns, and in the midst of them all i tried to have a conversation with his best friend, and what i said just came out. It was a though/ a fear/ a dream, and it just came out as if it was what was really going on, and its just what was going on inside my head! 

I cant believe that this is what is ending my relationship with the man i want and feel like i belong with! I hate this, I don't want this to be over. I want my family together. And i wish i could make the promise that this would never happen again, and verbatim i can make that promise. But i cant make the promise that i wont mess up sometimes, or that i always agree with him, but i want to be the person him and i both know and love. I hate this person. Or well the person i was Friday, and maybe a little bit the past couple of months. i still have some demons to wrestle, but i wish that he would just stick around and see for himself that I'm really  not that bad, and that he really does love me. I really think he does love me.... I just want him to remember that he does. 

Was it really that bad all the time?

It wasn't for me. I don't get it. Why would he just throw everything away. He just bought "me" a new couch, and we have this beautiful baby, apartment, and nice things together. Now we are going to both be uncomfortable and have so much to fix. 

I feel like when I leave here (because he says he gets to keep the apt because he has more to move), its going to be like Hurricane Chris coming through, and leave me with nothing, that's what he did last time. After all the work I've done on fixing up this apartment, I have to leave? I have to change everything. Wouldn't he want anything and everything for his son? Then why wouldn't he leave everything here so nothing would change for his son. 

The night we fought, he said that Landon was the only reason he's still here, but I guess he still wasn't a good enough reason to want to work out something like this. If it really was that bad all the time then why didn't he leave sooner?   

There must have been a reason he stayed so long? Unless he was just figuring a way out!   I don't know what the hell happened. I wish he would talk to me. I wish we could figure out a way to work this out. 

The person I was Friday wasn't me. He knows that. I don't know why he cant overlook it and try to work on what problems we do have and move forward from this. All i can do is say I am sorry and mean it. I cannot fix this for him, but if he would talk to me, I know there is something we could do. I thought he loved me????? 

How does that go away in just a weekend? Unless he never did! 

Not the best thoughts to try to fall asleep to

So last night he said that we should get off each others facebook's. I was confused because when he broke up with me it wasnt for another girl he claims, and he says its just whats best right now. I wonder if he knew for a fact today that i could fight and win against my demons and i could get better, would he wait?? I doubt it now, i feel like he is hiding so much from me, even more so than when we were together. Like what the hell or who the hell was it that made it so easy for him to throw away what we did have together over something that could have been worked out. 
I just feel like there is something i am missing, but of course there are plenty of conversations on his phone that i dont know about that i am missing. Im sure it was so easy because its what he wanted. around this time of year every year, he starts pushing me and testing me with his hiding his phone, deleting shit, and neglecting me, and i feel like its all my fault when i get paranoid, but really he does this alot. its like he wants to be single for the summer, and then "let me come back" when summer is over and the holidays are going to start. 
Its not like i am really that bad. If i was then why would he tell me he loves me that morning, and kiss me and say sorry for what he did that morning. if things were that bad then he wouldnt even do that. or he has been lying to me for months and saying something he doesnt mean, because other girl or not i dont think he wanted to be with me anymore.... from small stuff to stuff that really needs work he makes me out to be such a terrible person. 


I am always cleaning up the house, taking care of landon, im always on top so he doesnt have to do anything, he can just get off. I always give him head before sex and i cant remember the last time he returned the favor. its been well well over a year. I try my hardest even on a bad day to smile when he comes into the room and be happy when he's here. its not always possible but i really am happy to be around him. 
I just dont get it. I really dont. other than friday, where did i go wrong? 
and friday is something that could be worked out. I know it was wrong, and i know that he was hurt, but i really thought this was just an angry break up, not something that he really wanted. 
and now i know that its something he's been wanting for a long time, and did the things he knows that push me over the edge, by being shady and shit. He set up a trap, and i fell into it, and then i fucked up so that it wouldnt be him that ended it it was me..... this was his plan all along. 

Day two of break up

So yesterday was the day we broke up. After our huge day of me fucking up Friday, he had time to sleep on it and realized he would rather break up with me than work through things and figure out why his love is having problems with their relationship or anything enough to make her do something out of character like that. But instead he just wanted to throw it away like that. I don't blame him completely. I would worry to and think we had a problem, but if you love someone wouldn't you want to fight for them not throw them out when they are at their worst. He has a habit of doing this. not wanting me when im not good, and when im good he thinks that he can come back. but not this time. if he's going to come back, he needs to come back when i still need him, if he doesn't once i get back on my feet and i can move on, i'm gone. I don't want to be. I love Chris, and i never wanted this. I don't know why i did what i did that day. From when i woke up in the morning i felt like a different person, i felt like something was off with me that day. When i had the strong urge to roll back over and not let the day come i was right, but like all mothers i cant sleep through a day that my intuition tells me isn't going to be right, So there i went and started my day. Hoping that something would change. 

And boy was i right, something did change. ME! 

Don't get me wrong i have a lot of demons in my life, but i never felt them get that close to the surface, and when it got a taste of fresh air i couldn't control it anymore, it just took over. So here we are now, broken up, trying to be as civil and nice to one another as we can be... Thats the sad part. Now that there is no pressure to be a girlfriend, lover, brave, and confident. I can be insecure and be whats expect along with a break up. Now that there is no pressure we can be polite and do the things for each other and be the people we want to be in the relationship. 

This break-up has been the easiest so far, not that it doesn't hurt, or suck. It does, Believe me. But I think right now the shitty thing is, he was right and this is what i need right now. is to be single and wrestle my demons alone. I just wish that once they were gone he would still be here. but i cant go through what i did last time. worrying if he's with someone, being lied to about it, and suffer later when the girl/girls he was with want to lash out at him and tell me details of what my man does to them when he's not with me, and then go through so much hurt after getting well. I cant do it again.

i guess that's why i don't want it to end this way. i want him to wait it out and not be with anyone because once im better he'll be right there at the finish line. I want him to help me get there and not abandon me when i need him the most.... 

Because by looking at the pattern, when i get better he's going to realize that the person he fell in love with was there the whole time, i was just on hiatus.  

Thats what set me back again this time. I think everything Natasha said still sits there in the back of my mind, not that i haven't forgiven him, its just that once i was better, we jumped back into trying to fix things and when she retaliated it set me back so much  further, and it took this long for that demon to surface... 

Now i have to start all this over again, once i let it out completely, and lets face it i did, then i can start over. His spring break trip with his bff is what sparked the fuse, and it just went down hill from there, I had less and less control. 

Well i figured out a trigger, and got a hold of what happened. Thats the deepest we'll go inside my mind today. Stick around, with my ever day to day action, you will uncover more inside the mind. 

A little about me.

I am a 22 year old single mother. I live with him and his father in San Antonio, Texas. I am trying to go back to school and get things together for myself. I am one hell of a mom, but lets face it in other aspects I suck. I haven't gone to college, I used to work hard, but I dont work and I just stay at home with my son. 
I have self-esteem issues, and just recently diagnosed myself with mild paranoid personality disorder. I have some problems, from the age of thirteen when i was rapped, till about 17 i was using drugs and alcohol to escape my problems. I got sober and moved on though my life, but my past and through the fight for my life back alot of things happen to me, and i thought i had escaped all of it and had a good life, but everything ive done in my past has affected who i am and what i do today. It still shows up to haunt me, i have no regrets but i can promise you that your past isnt who you were, its still who you are. 
I do a bunch of stupid things, push away the ones i love, and even more so, i push away the one person that i really want in my life and want to share a life with. Given my past and my experiences, i still have one more wall that there is to break down, and by the time Chris gets really close to it, I push him away, because its a dark side of me that he gets only the smallest taste of every now and then. I just want someone (him) but anyone at this point, to make it to that wall and once uncovered help clean up the rubble and fix it up and then maybe i can get better, but as of yesterday I might as well start building back the walls that he broke down, because obviously no one has the strength and Love for me to get past all of this shit with me to be truely happy. 
he knows who i am and can be. and when my dark side does show up, even a glimpse he wants to throw everything that we have overcome away because it got to hard..... more on that later.... thats my brief overview of me.... 
oh ps. i was adopted at birth, with my tiwn sister, and had both my rents around growing up. I do now know my biological rents, but they aren't in my daily life. Just via FB and stuff. Birthday and holiday texts, yada, yada..