July 28th 2012

Five years ago today me and chris made a decision that would change our lives forever.

 October 13th, was the first time we got back together, Little did we know that it would be the first but not last of our many bumps in the road. From growing up into adults together, struggling distance, battling cancer and distance for military, living on our own and trying to figure out who we are as individuals, having a child and accepting that lifestyle change, to being parents and lovers too, we have been thought cheating and wars over who's done worse, trying to not be together and saving a friendship, this love has gone through a lot and without a doubt will go through more, but even on our worst days and our moodiest times and our way opposite points of view on things, it's those struggles that keep it interesting, and it's our compassion for one another and love that keep pushing us over that mountain/hill/road block/bump in the road. So that on the other side we still have eachother. So thank you love and thank you heart for picking him!!!!! There is no one else on this earth that I would rather ride this rollercoaster, we call life, with than my love, my life, Christopher Luis Contreras! And the beautiful son he gave me Landon Anthony Contreras <3    

Its the ups and downs that keep a relationship alive. Knowing that you still WANT and care enough to fight for that person, and fight for the relationship. 

How wrong was I???? 
He didnt want to fight. He wanted me to change and for him to stay the new guy he was. He would never give up someone who "is just a friend and i dont even talk to her that much" even if it meant losing me and his son. 
I did alot of things to keep him happy and tried very hard to do things i didnt even like because it made him happy. But all he wanted from me was to sit there shut up and not have any feelings, thoughts, or concerns. He never wanted to do anything that made me happy. From going to the movies, or going on a date, to not talking to someone or at least share the convo he had with that person because of his indiscretions, to just eating me the fuck out! My pussy doesnt smell or taste bad, ive tried it... (thats kinda dirty, but kinky too ;) lol    But come on! Do something for someone other than yourself. He would spend $300 on a ps3 but couldnt spend a portion of that even taking me out to eat, or to a movie, or on a freakin date.  Ugh sometimes I just miss him so much, and want him back in so many ways, but our relationship as a whole, i just think so many things would have to change, and we would have to BUILD the trust before it just came back in. Unlike last time, he disclosed all his indiscretions and after that he just assumed i should trust him and be happy and healthy. 
Its like when your parents catch you sneaking out, your mom will sleep on the couch for a while and lock your windows or put up a camera until the realized you really arent going to do it again. When trust is broken it needs to be built and replaced.... And chris just assumed he was off the hook because he told the truth one time! NO! Life doesnt work that way. You arent in a fairy tale and things arent just going to poof and be perfect again. But i do miss him, i miss wrapping my arms around my big teddy bear, i miss his smile, i miss his smell. I miss him telling me he loves me, and i miss making love with him. And i miss my fucking friend. Someone who i could cry to when i was hurt, laugh with when i was happy and share moments with that mean everything in the world and i want to share them with him, not someone else. Moments with our son that we cant get back, i want to be shared with him not my future boyfriend  for the time. And i want to fall back in love, but i doubt after all that chris gave me in the beginning ill ever be able to fall in love with someone again, because that guy, set the bar way too fucking high! 
I miss him! I miss him telling me how much he loved me, how amazing he felt being with me, i miss him telling me he wasnt even jus a boyfriend and he coudlnt wait to make me Mrs. Christopher Contreras. I miss him telling me how beautiful i was. I miss him telling me that if you want to change your hair or look go for it but you are absolutely perfect the way you are!   Now he tells me things like, you should wear things like that, you should do your hair like this girl, and id give anything to be dating a girl that looked like that (pointing at some wwe superstar) Well i dont have a plastic surgeon, and even if i did look like that, i wouldnt be with a guy that looks like you!   ugh im sick to my stomach now. callin it quits for now, stay tuned for my next rant on how it just didnt fucking work! and why. 

There are so many things I wish I could say to you. There are so many things I had hoped for and still wanted out of this. It wasn't supposed to end, and especially not that way. But there is also so much I wanted from you, that you were never willing to give me. You were able, just not willing. All i wanted and am worth was to be put first. If family means enough to you to tattoo on your arm, then why wasn't it enough to make you change some of your ways. If i cant even talk during your Monday night show, but you'll drop your show and everything else to go be with her, imagine how you would feel. On top of that if your friends didn't like me at all, or never wanted me around, why would you want them around if you say you love me so much? Most men would want to show off the mother of their child, and want his friends to get to know her and like her, but you wanted us separate. You wanted a separate life of your own that i wasn't in at all, WHY? Thats not love or a relationship. Sometimes when you love something you just want to be surrounded by it, and me wanting to know what you talk to your friends about or the girls about was not me not trusting you, it was me wanting to know you, and be surrounded by you. You always wanted your space and wanted to be away from me with another girl, and all i wanted was to be with you and for you to feel the fucking same. you never did, and that's why i always thought you were giving what I deserved to someone else. because if you weren't giving it to me then who was getting that attention?? 
I still feel like I'm chasing something I'll never catch. I feel like even when I have you I have to compete constantly to keep you. I have to change my looks and be different every week so that you don't lose interest or stray from me to another girl. 
Sometimes I think we are better off as friends, but then I miss you so much, and want you around, and want to confide in you like I always have. Its just that I know what I am worth and when we are together you don't always give me or treat me like all I am worth. I want to be appreciated, loved, and respected. And will be put first! When i get made mad, I will tell you and that's never going to change.  


Things got so bad this time, its almost like if we wanted to try again, we've put everyone and everything in such a bind and in so much crap, its like we are past the point of no return. But you are always going to be my Big and I will always come running back to you because I love you. But you never have and never will love me enough to be the one to come back, or the one to try and fix it. Its always gotta be me begging and feeling like I did something wrong, when sometimes you just need to accept at least HALF of the consequences for your indiscretions then it wouldn't have gotten that ugly. And some things I never got over, because once you got it off your chest it was to never be paid for. I paid for my mistakes months and months later. And you never had to pay for any of your indiscretions, its like once you told the truth it was over, and it wasn't. you should have asked or cared what i needed from you to make it better!!!!!!!!!!!!   
Maybe just maybe we aren't meant to be. But there are so many more days where I think we are than there are days when i think we aren't.   I just wish I could get over you. I wish I could move on, but do I really want to?? I want you. I want to be with you, but I want to be with the YOU I fell in love with! Not this man that has a twisted perspective on what a relationship is. Part of being in a relationship is not acting single when she is or isn't around. Its about making sure that everyone knows you are with her, and that you are happy and not easily strayed. You aren't that guy anymore. Even if you were, its not like you love or care about me enough anymore to find that guy. I can only be that girl you fell in love with if you are that guy. Without that guy, I will never know that girl again! Because she had something that I don't/haven't had in a long time, HIM!