Day two of break up

So yesterday was the day we broke up. After our huge day of me fucking up Friday, he had time to sleep on it and realized he would rather break up with me than work through things and figure out why his love is having problems with their relationship or anything enough to make her do something out of character like that. But instead he just wanted to throw it away like that. I don't blame him completely. I would worry to and think we had a problem, but if you love someone wouldn't you want to fight for them not throw them out when they are at their worst. He has a habit of doing this. not wanting me when im not good, and when im good he thinks that he can come back. but not this time. if he's going to come back, he needs to come back when i still need him, if he doesn't once i get back on my feet and i can move on, i'm gone. I don't want to be. I love Chris, and i never wanted this. I don't know why i did what i did that day. From when i woke up in the morning i felt like a different person, i felt like something was off with me that day. When i had the strong urge to roll back over and not let the day come i was right, but like all mothers i cant sleep through a day that my intuition tells me isn't going to be right, So there i went and started my day. Hoping that something would change. 

And boy was i right, something did change. ME! 

Don't get me wrong i have a lot of demons in my life, but i never felt them get that close to the surface, and when it got a taste of fresh air i couldn't control it anymore, it just took over. So here we are now, broken up, trying to be as civil and nice to one another as we can be... Thats the sad part. Now that there is no pressure to be a girlfriend, lover, brave, and confident. I can be insecure and be whats expect along with a break up. Now that there is no pressure we can be polite and do the things for each other and be the people we want to be in the relationship. 

This break-up has been the easiest so far, not that it doesn't hurt, or suck. It does, Believe me. But I think right now the shitty thing is, he was right and this is what i need right now. is to be single and wrestle my demons alone. I just wish that once they were gone he would still be here. but i cant go through what i did last time. worrying if he's with someone, being lied to about it, and suffer later when the girl/girls he was with want to lash out at him and tell me details of what my man does to them when he's not with me, and then go through so much hurt after getting well. I cant do it again.

i guess that's why i don't want it to end this way. i want him to wait it out and not be with anyone because once im better he'll be right there at the finish line. I want him to help me get there and not abandon me when i need him the most.... 

Because by looking at the pattern, when i get better he's going to realize that the person he fell in love with was there the whole time, i was just on hiatus.  

Thats what set me back again this time. I think everything Natasha said still sits there in the back of my mind, not that i haven't forgiven him, its just that once i was better, we jumped back into trying to fix things and when she retaliated it set me back so much  further, and it took this long for that demon to surface... 

Now i have to start all this over again, once i let it out completely, and lets face it i did, then i can start over. His spring break trip with his bff is what sparked the fuse, and it just went down hill from there, I had less and less control. 

Well i figured out a trigger, and got a hold of what happened. Thats the deepest we'll go inside my mind today. Stick around, with my ever day to day action, you will uncover more inside the mind. 

A little about me.

I am a 22 year old single mother. I live with him and his father in San Antonio, Texas. I am trying to go back to school and get things together for myself. I am one hell of a mom, but lets face it in other aspects I suck. I haven't gone to college, I used to work hard, but I dont work and I just stay at home with my son. 
I have self-esteem issues, and just recently diagnosed myself with mild paranoid personality disorder. I have some problems, from the age of thirteen when i was rapped, till about 17 i was using drugs and alcohol to escape my problems. I got sober and moved on though my life, but my past and through the fight for my life back alot of things happen to me, and i thought i had escaped all of it and had a good life, but everything ive done in my past has affected who i am and what i do today. It still shows up to haunt me, i have no regrets but i can promise you that your past isnt who you were, its still who you are. 
I do a bunch of stupid things, push away the ones i love, and even more so, i push away the one person that i really want in my life and want to share a life with. Given my past and my experiences, i still have one more wall that there is to break down, and by the time Chris gets really close to it, I push him away, because its a dark side of me that he gets only the smallest taste of every now and then. I just want someone (him) but anyone at this point, to make it to that wall and once uncovered help clean up the rubble and fix it up and then maybe i can get better, but as of yesterday I might as well start building back the walls that he broke down, because obviously no one has the strength and Love for me to get past all of this shit with me to be truely happy. 
he knows who i am and can be. and when my dark side does show up, even a glimpse he wants to throw everything that we have overcome away because it got to hard..... more on that later.... thats my brief overview of me.... 
oh ps. i was adopted at birth, with my tiwn sister, and had both my rents around growing up. I do now know my biological rents, but they aren't in my daily life. Just via FB and stuff. Birthday and holiday texts, yada, yada..