A little about me.

I am a 22 year old single mother. I live with him and his father in San Antonio, Texas. I am trying to go back to school and get things together for myself. I am one hell of a mom, but lets face it in other aspects I suck. I haven't gone to college, I used to work hard, but I dont work and I just stay at home with my son. 
I have self-esteem issues, and just recently diagnosed myself with mild paranoid personality disorder. I have some problems, from the age of thirteen when i was rapped, till about 17 i was using drugs and alcohol to escape my problems. I got sober and moved on though my life, but my past and through the fight for my life back alot of things happen to me, and i thought i had escaped all of it and had a good life, but everything ive done in my past has affected who i am and what i do today. It still shows up to haunt me, i have no regrets but i can promise you that your past isnt who you were, its still who you are. 
I do a bunch of stupid things, push away the ones i love, and even more so, i push away the one person that i really want in my life and want to share a life with. Given my past and my experiences, i still have one more wall that there is to break down, and by the time Chris gets really close to it, I push him away, because its a dark side of me that he gets only the smallest taste of every now and then. I just want someone (him) but anyone at this point, to make it to that wall and once uncovered help clean up the rubble and fix it up and then maybe i can get better, but as of yesterday I might as well start building back the walls that he broke down, because obviously no one has the strength and Love for me to get past all of this shit with me to be truely happy. 
he knows who i am and can be. and when my dark side does show up, even a glimpse he wants to throw everything that we have overcome away because it got to hard..... more on that later.... thats my brief overview of me.... 
oh ps. i was adopted at birth, with my tiwn sister, and had both my rents around growing up. I do now know my biological rents, but they aren't in my daily life. Just via FB and stuff. Birthday and holiday texts, yada, yada..