July 28th 2012

Five years ago today me and chris made a decision that would change our lives forever.

 October 13th, was the first time we got back together, Little did we know that it would be the first but not last of our many bumps in the road. From growing up into adults together, struggling distance, battling cancer and distance for military, living on our own and trying to figure out who we are as individuals, having a child and accepting that lifestyle change, to being parents and lovers too, we have been thought cheating and wars over who's done worse, trying to not be together and saving a friendship, this love has gone through a lot and without a doubt will go through more, but even on our worst days and our moodiest times and our way opposite points of view on things, it's those struggles that keep it interesting, and it's our compassion for one another and love that keep pushing us over that mountain/hill/road block/bump in the road. So that on the other side we still have eachother. So thank you love and thank you heart for picking him!!!!! There is no one else on this earth that I would rather ride this rollercoaster, we call life, with than my love, my life, Christopher Luis Contreras! And the beautiful son he gave me Landon Anthony Contreras <3    

Its the ups and downs that keep a relationship alive. Knowing that you still WANT and care enough to fight for that person, and fight for the relationship. 

How wrong was I???? 
He didnt want to fight. He wanted me to change and for him to stay the new guy he was. He would never give up someone who "is just a friend and i dont even talk to her that much" even if it meant losing me and his son. 
I did alot of things to keep him happy and tried very hard to do things i didnt even like because it made him happy. But all he wanted from me was to sit there shut up and not have any feelings, thoughts, or concerns. He never wanted to do anything that made me happy. From going to the movies, or going on a date, to not talking to someone or at least share the convo he had with that person because of his indiscretions, to just eating me the fuck out! My pussy doesnt smell or taste bad, ive tried it... (thats kinda dirty, but kinky too ;) lol    But come on! Do something for someone other than yourself. He would spend $300 on a ps3 but couldnt spend a portion of that even taking me out to eat, or to a movie, or on a freakin date.  Ugh sometimes I just miss him so much, and want him back in so many ways, but our relationship as a whole, i just think so many things would have to change, and we would have to BUILD the trust before it just came back in. Unlike last time, he disclosed all his indiscretions and after that he just assumed i should trust him and be happy and healthy. 
Its like when your parents catch you sneaking out, your mom will sleep on the couch for a while and lock your windows or put up a camera until the realized you really arent going to do it again. When trust is broken it needs to be built and replaced.... And chris just assumed he was off the hook because he told the truth one time! NO! Life doesnt work that way. You arent in a fairy tale and things arent just going to poof and be perfect again. But i do miss him, i miss wrapping my arms around my big teddy bear, i miss his smile, i miss his smell. I miss him telling me he loves me, and i miss making love with him. And i miss my fucking friend. Someone who i could cry to when i was hurt, laugh with when i was happy and share moments with that mean everything in the world and i want to share them with him, not someone else. Moments with our son that we cant get back, i want to be shared with him not my future boyfriend  for the time. And i want to fall back in love, but i doubt after all that chris gave me in the beginning ill ever be able to fall in love with someone again, because that guy, set the bar way too fucking high! 
I miss him! I miss him telling me how much he loved me, how amazing he felt being with me, i miss him telling me he wasnt even jus a boyfriend and he coudlnt wait to make me Mrs. Christopher Contreras. I miss him telling me how beautiful i was. I miss him telling me that if you want to change your hair or look go for it but you are absolutely perfect the way you are!   Now he tells me things like, you should wear things like that, you should do your hair like this girl, and id give anything to be dating a girl that looked like that (pointing at some wwe superstar) Well i dont have a plastic surgeon, and even if i did look like that, i wouldnt be with a guy that looks like you!   ugh im sick to my stomach now. callin it quits for now, stay tuned for my next rant on how it just didnt fucking work! and why.