Yesterday would have been eight months back together. Technically we have five years under our belts. So needless to say I was torn yesterday. He worked yesterday closing the store. Brought food home :) it was sweet. We smoked and watched a show he wanted to start together. It was pretty funny. Until this one chick on the show said "you're that creepy couple that breaks up and still lives together huh?" to the ppl on the show. Doesn't that put salt into an open wound? My friend rachel has been over twice when chris is home, she said we seem fine and like we're not even apart. Sometimes it can feel like that among the playfulness, generally okness, and our ability to be around one another without it being awkward like most exs.
I personally don't think we should be broken up, we are meant to be together, and it's not comfort that keeps me here. Rachel asked me "ya but don't you ever wonder what it's like to be with another man? I mean now is your chance." without hesitation I answered no! No I don't want to know what another man feels like smells like or is like. Chris is enough and all I need. Maybe that's why I get so heartbroken when I see him moving on or wanting to be with someone else. That's also why we had problems in our relationship and I was uncomfortable and insecure, I wasn't enough for him. He always had to talk to other girls, go "hang out" with other girls, and watch porn and jack off even tho I'm in the next fucking room. I was never enough for him! He always wanted more. Even though, idk who the hell is goin to always suck his dick and get nothing in return, always always always be on top. Always get up with our son, he never has to. Clean and organize his stuff so he never has housework to do, we even have separate bathrooms and I still clean the shit off his toilet.... I'm just sayin. And I even did all of the above when I was working full time!
I always did everything I could to make him happy, but the one thing I couldn't do was all of that and not care that he doesn't want to do ANYTHING that makes me happy. Not a once in a while movie date, no head, only once in a while TLC and it just felt like I was bending over backwards for him and I still wasn't enough. All I wanted was to be enough for him, and him not to need all that other female attention and interaction with ex girlfriends and ex fucks... That's all I wanted was to be enough, and I wore myself the fuck out emotionally and physically to the point of a mental breakdown. On top of all that I still had to be the perfect mom, daughter, sister and friend... I just broke. Like anything overloaded I crashed!!!
Next time, no matter what man, I want a 50/50 relationship not a 80/20.
That's all I'm saying.
My girl heather u went to see in Austin is supposed to come visit today! :) hopefully my girl can help keep my kind off of all this shit, she's always been pretty good at damage control! Gotta love your girls! <3
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