Losing a best friend and lover

This is terrible. We can't even talk to each other. We say the necessary hello, goodbye, wanna hit this... yada yada. But we cant have a real conversation. I miss my grizzly so much. I call him grizzly because he can be as mean as a grizzly waken from a slumber, but he can be as sweet as a teddy bear... Now he's just an ice sculpture of a bear. He's so cold. No emotion. Always on his phone, playing video games. He even went in our sons room to watch him, instead of being in the living room while i was cooking. He never goes in there. I don't want it to end this way. I really thought that maybe its just an angry break up and maybe he just needed some space, and to wait and see if i learned my lesson. I did. I did. I haven't eaten in a day, i haven't looked at myself in the mirror since Friday. I am sick to my stomach all the time, i don't have an appetite, or an urge to do anything but talk to him or write on here, or listen to music that relates to my problem. 

I found myself on the couch during the six o'clock news wanting to talk to him, see if this is really it for us, or if he wants to talk things through. I want to know whats going on in his head. But I keep wussing out. I just stand there at the hallway preparing myself to go talk to him and let my heart slow, and then run away. I want my best friend. I want to talk to him, and tell him what I'm going through, and tell him that I'm really stupid and really sorry. That I'm not the person i was that day and he knows that. I want to tell him i love him, and for him to say he does too he's just hurt. And i want to make up, and hold him and kiss him, and make sweet sweet, and a little crazy love to him. 

Tonight he went out with his gay aunt, they went to a gay bar, he's her DD. 

He gets really horny when he's drunk, i hope that he doesn't try to hook up with one of the girls that hang around gay bars. Truth be told I hope he's really with his aunt. he's been known to go out with someone I'm comfortable with and invite someone he knows i wouldn't be able to handle. 

After all the work we've put in, and all the bonds we've built. (or me at least with his family, He hates mine). Our home, our friends, and what about our hearts. 

What is the use of having one if you don't know what its there for. I know he is thinking with his head because he doesn't want to get hurt again, or be lied about, or even have to go through this again. 

I can promise him this will not happen again. I don't know why i did it in the first place... I wasn't even thinking, because if i was i would think, what the hell are you doing, you're about to sabotage the best thing in your life right now. Look at everything you have, look at everything he does for you. He may not be perfect, and he may be shady sometimes, but never even meaning to, he just needs space sometimes and him not working he sees my face all the time, and lets face it, time away from someone even if its just work or a random night out after work, you start to miss the one you love, when they are there ALL THE TIME you start to realize their flaws more because there is nothing else to do. Now that he is working, after just two days i wish he were here. Or when he gets off i want to hug and kiss him, and later that evening when i put our son to bed, i want to get high with him, and suck his dick, and then make love... i still get the get high part, but that's about it. 

I want to sleep in my bed again with him, and i want to cuddle, or play games in the bed when we are just messing around. 

I want so many things, i just don't want this! 

Can he really tell me honestly that things were always that bad? 

I know that lying about someone you love and call your best friend (who is someone you don't lie to) but i didn't lie to him, however lying about them isn't the right thing either. And I hurt, I really do. And i want to know that he hurts, because right now seeing him hurt would show me that he still loves me. I know i don't deserve it, but was i that easy to just give up and throw away? Was i really not worth having in his life at all? All the things we've been through, all the things we've said to one another (not bad, good) and all the times we've made love, this wonderful child that loves us together more than apart, an apartment that we have spend years trying to have a place like this together. and now its going to be ruined. What does a single bachelor need a two bedroom for? and I have to move with my son. 

This is just a whole lot of pain that isn't necessary. And to have to start all over and build all this with another person, and trying to get to know them. 

I don't want to know what another man is like, everyone tells me that Chris is an ass to me and i should find someone else, but so far even tho he may be dick, he's been the most amazing so far. Hands down he wins. I don't want to loose him. I don't want another man, or another life. I want this man, and this life. 

I just want him to want me, and not want to be with anyone else. I know he wishes i looked like a diva or a knockout like in wrestling, i just wish he wasn't so open about it. I want him to be built and strong and ripped. But either way, we wouldn't be the people we are today. I for one thing would be worse, pretty so i get away with doing retarded shit and they stay longer because your that amazing. but i love Chris for who he is, and what he has to offer. I know that he has more to offer than he gives me sometimes, but i know i can get there, and i know he can be that person. 

I just wish he had the same faith in me! That i could be the person he knows i am capable of being, and giving him what he knows i have to offer. 

If trying to life him up when he's down. And rubbing his back and being sympathetic when he's had a rough day. I offer to rub his feet all the time (if he washes them) but he never washes them. even tho i want the sex to be about me sometimes, i still always make sure its what he wants and make sure it feels good because i want him to be happy. All i want is to make him happy, but sometimes i throw in my own opinion and "its because i don't trust him" and i let him know how something makes me feel, and he thinks I'm being a teenager. But even then, that's just telling him how i feel. 

So i bottled it all up, because after the Callie date night, i couldn't tell him how i feel because he'd still do what it is i don't like. I accepted that, so i faked being okay with him going, (bc he would of gone anyways, and rather him leave happy with me, than rush out mad because i didn't want him to go). I wanted to be honest with him, and tell him about  my dreams but i was terrified, and that is no excuse for what i did at all, i think it might just help explain why i did it. I had all these thoughts, nightmares, and concerns, and in the midst of them all i tried to have a conversation with his best friend, and what i said just came out. It was a though/ a fear/ a dream, and it just came out as if it was what was really going on, and its just what was going on inside my head! 

I cant believe that this is what is ending my relationship with the man i want and feel like i belong with! I hate this, I don't want this to be over. I want my family together. And i wish i could make the promise that this would never happen again, and verbatim i can make that promise. But i cant make the promise that i wont mess up sometimes, or that i always agree with him, but i want to be the person him and i both know and love. I hate this person. Or well the person i was Friday, and maybe a little bit the past couple of months. i still have some demons to wrestle, but i wish that he would just stick around and see for himself that I'm really  not that bad, and that he really does love me. I really think he does love me.... I just want him to remember that he does.