Its been raining since last night here. The rain makes me feel like I don't need to cry anymore, because the sky is doing it for me. However, the tears never stop. I wish that "I'm sorry" was enough. Seemingly its not. I just don't understand at all, why if this is what he wants it hurts so bad for him and me. And we aren't just hurting ourselves, we are hurting our beautiful baby boy. I don't think this is something worth breaking up over.
We can be happy and most the time we are. I AM the woman he fell in love with, I just like to hide in my shell sometimes and when i do something else takes over.
I should have just been more open with him, but that probably would have caused us to break up as well. So i was at a loss. I bottled things up, and there was so much at one time.
Bills, child insurance, food stamps, work, school, family, relationship slightly, and so many other things at once, So when his friend asked whats up, "Chris is cheating on me" is what came out of my mouth. It was a thought wondering around up there, and the only one that came out, and i left out a word and that's what made it a lie.
I wish that i had just stayed in bed that day and this wouldn't be happening to either of us.
We fought for two days about how he feels and why he is so mad, and now that he got it out of his system I think he is going to be able to move on. I hope not.
Also, its been over a week since either of us have had sex (as far as i am concerned, god only knows what he's done when i wasn't around). But if he really hasn't why doesn't he just want to make up and have make up sex, and put this behind us. It took me less than an hour to forgive him, and less than a few months to get over, what he did last summer. Lying to me for months about who he is sleeping with. He made me feel like i was this crazy ex, with all this baby mama drama, and the whole time he should of just been a fucking man and admitted that he was sleeping around. But he knew that i would have stopped having sex with him, and visiting him and bending over backwards for him to see his son. I would have made him get off his ass and come see his son himself.
However that is done and over with, he did what he did, and i had to suffer from these skanks retaliations that he got back with me. I had to listen to them bitch and complain, talk shit about me and my son, and I STILL FUCKING FORGAVE HIM! and stood by him when everyone and their mom told me i was a fucking idiot for giving HIM the second chance.. or third or something like that. Its always different when he is doing the forgiving, i always get punished for months or years or whatever, and he tells me to get over it or don't be with him.
I guess that's the diff, is that he's not with me, so he doesn't want to let it go.
Hypocrite. This isn't fair. If this is what he wants I'm OK with that, because he would be happy. But either he's lying when he tells me he's not, or this isn't what he wants or whats best!
Too bad I'm sorry wasn't enough for him, like it has been for me for years!
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