Yesterday was so busy for both of us, that no talking got done. Maybe thats a good thing, but i feel so disconnected from my best friend. I just want him, a hug from him, a kiss from him, HIM.
But thats not going to happen. I just need to suck it up.
My dad came by last night to drop off some money for school, go figure chris and my dad would be able to sit in a room by themselves after we break up a million times. I think my dad just stopped caring if we are together or broken up because he knows chris is here to stay weather we are together or not. Landon is what brings all of us together.
I wish he was still mine. He was texting someone while i was in the room, we were talking and then he picked up his phone to text someone right there. either to make me jealous or because he is talking to his new GF. IDK
But all i got out of it was a huge knot in my stomach and nothing left to say. Now i dont have the appetite that i had for subway :/
Why does it have to be this way? Why did i have to do what i did? and why does he just not care?
He said he did, when he saw that i was happy. I think he just wanted to make me feel like shit because he doesnt think that i deserve to be happy and i was going to be, so he threw a curve ball and broke that. Now im miserable and the only reason he is, is because im still here. I dont think he gave as big a shit as he said or thought he did. I think he just wanted to get his anger out, and now he's perfectly fine!
but i cant complain to much, at least he is letting me live here. Thats more than most guys would do. But i dont know if i can just stick around and watch him move on with other girls. Talk about disrespect to the max! I would never start talking to or dating someone while i was living with him even secretly just out of respect for what we did have.
Any who, i thought about this yesterday, if he has, or does sleep with ANYONE and think we are getting back together he is out his fucking mind. Im not doing that shit again! You cant just go sleep around whenever you want and expect your ex to take you back becuase she's your settle down girl. Fuck that! I am no ones bitch, rebound, last resort, or put her on the back burner. I hate this, Thinking about what might happen during this breakup that will affect our future.
I was better off mad and not giving a fuck, than now. Now that he made me feel like shit for him, and suffer through what ive done. When i blamed him being mad was what got me through the day! Now that i am not mad at him, i feel sorry for him, and it gives me no strength.
Guess ill have to find it within. God give me strength to move on, get through school, and be on my own for good. I just want to be independent and not need or want anyone. I should be able to be happy with just me and my son.
Goals for the next two years:
Get through school
Get my own place, phone, insurance, car...
Get settled in my job
Live life with as little chris as i can get.
1st and always, TAKE CARE OF THIS BEAUTIFUL BOY THAT I HAVE!
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