Soo, stupid me.. but

We sat down to eat dinner, today has been going good, and I bring up something that could happen when I move out on my own, and he just mentions that I don't have to live alone, I could get a roommate. So needless to say I don't think he wants to get back together. I hate this. 

I wish that my sorry was enough. I wish that my love and my word was enough. I wish i could really tell him that this time we make up would be the last. But i cant make promises i don't know if i could keep. I wish i could. I don't like the person I've become. Why cant i just trust him. I have for years. And since February 2010 when he broke up with me then i just feel like he's always going to leave. he dumped me again after that while i was prego. He dumped me after my son was three months old. And now. I know sometimes i push him away, but i wish he wasn't so easily scared off. 

I wish that he would just stay. or rather come back. I miss him so much! I just wish i could be with him. 

I think we have so much left in us, and so much more to do together. But if this is what he needs then I understand and well, i want nothing but for him to be happy. 

But he's not happy being apart, so why does he tell me he wants this so bad. Why cant he just let himself be happy too. I am not as bad as he makes me seem. Its not all the time. We can be happy together, we've been doing OK so far today and if we can keep it up then we could stay happy. 

If i could keep my thoughts from running away with themselves and nip it in the bud, and also not let people influence my thoughts then we could be happy again. I just wish things would stay that way. 

There are so many things i wish for. And him leaving is not one of them. 

Him staying and us working this out one last time is what i want. And i want it to be the last time we leave each other. 

I wanted to marry him. But i guess i know now that, that's not in the cards for me. 

And other guys ALL other guys see nothing but baggage and stress when they think about being with a single mom. Some girls get lucky, but not ones like me. 

Fuck it. I just need to get settled in my career and get my own place, new furniture, a new car, and start paying my own cell phone bill and insurance and just focus on Landon and myself. 

Who needs a man. Even if i did start to date, when they fuck up, i am so independent by then that it wont matter. I will have expected it, and it wont hurt as bad, and i can just tell him to get the fuck outta my house!
That's my plan! I'm not saying its going to be easy but its what i have to do. And if Chris does come back in the mean time. Asses the situation and see if its whats best at the time. I need to be strong next time, and not just let him come back when he wants.


 If he cant stand by me at my worst, then he sure as hell doesn't deserve me at my best!